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From what I've now learnt, my actions that night in 1996 were a self-centered taking.
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
I've had primarily positive social influences and examples of equitable behavior around me.
But on that occasion, I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
The ones that see women as having less intrinsic worth,
and of men having some unspoken and symbolic claim to their bodies.
These influences I speak of are external to me, though.
And it was only me in that room making choices, nobody else.
When you own something and really square up to your culpability, I do think a surprising thing can happen.
It's what I call a paradox of ownership. I thought I'd buckle under the weight of responsibility.
I thought my certificate of humanity would be burnt.
Instead, I was offered to really own what I did, and found that it didn't possess the entirety of who I am.
Put simply, something you've done doesn't have to constitute the sum of who you are. The noise in my head abated.
The indulgent self-pity was starved of oxygen, and it was replaced with the clean air of acceptance
现在我已经意识到,1996年那个晚上,我作出的是一个以自我为中心的行为。
我认为我应当得到Thordis的身体。
我身边一直以来主要都是积极的社会影响,以及公平作为的例子,
但在那个场合,我却选择利用消极的那些。
它们把女性看做有(比男性)更少内在价值,
认为男性对女性的身体有着不言自明、象征性的权利。
尽管我提到的这些影响并不来自我本身。
但只有我自己在那个房间里作出了选择,而非其他人。
当你拥有一些什么让你真正地有决心面对罪恶感时,我认为的确可能发生令人惊讶的事情。
这就是我说的拥有所带来的矛盾。我原以为我会背负责任的重担。
我原以为,我人性的证明将付之一炬。
相反,我却被给予机会,去真正承认我曾做过的事情,然后发现那并不能完整地体现我是谁。
简单地说,你曾做过的事并不必然会构成你的全部。我脑中的噪音变少。
曾经被放纵的自怨自艾,像是极度缺氧,而它却被如清新空气一般的接受所替代,
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